There is no way everything will go like ppl planned, at least for me.

 

I always try to believe there is no asswhole around me, I always try to blame evrything on me when things dont work.

 

PPl betray me or set me up, i think the only reason to make them do this to me is i am not good enough.

 

Well, I know there is no perfect one exists, but always something i wanna try, and i really tried harder to reach, they all just left me, if it aint my fault, whom is it?

 

PPl say I am strong, independent or even mature. I dont know whether i should count them as compliment or jeer. But one thing i just realized, gals in my age, deserve more concern from ppl around them, family, lovers or friends. I mean i have lovely friends, wherever they r, those "real" firends i had, i can feel how much they care about me. And i am pretty much sure how many of my friends r "real".

 

Look like me, i feel like walk without soul.

 

Have u ever thought about what r the top three important stuff in ur life? I had, and i have the answer. My family, my career, and my friends. Sorry i dont believe love, i dont believe there will be someone dare to say he will love me and take care of me for the entire life. Sorry i have never thought about myself, if u ask me how much i care about myself, i could say, for sure, in my list, me will definitely even behind "love".

 

when someone u loved and trusted deeply left u, all u have will be like me--whatever. And when time passed, u will just question urself, what is love?  

 

I feel i cant  sustain anymore, I tried, really really tired, things i am chasing still that far and i just cant do nothing right now. I dont want be to someone's burden especially my family, i want them to be happier but it wasnt like what i plan. I know and get use to bear those obstacles in my life but i just dont know how hard could be this time. Sorry for wearing a mask for such long time, I wasnt a strong woman, I also need someone, someone I can rely on, someone I can throw all the crap to, someone i can hold, someone can wipe my tears when i cry out.

 

Sarcastically. tears gettin less and less when i feeling down. I am afraid i may lose them for one day.

 

I hope i could just disappear tmr. My appendix keep torturing me for months. I just dont wanna go to hospital, not because i scared some bad news comes out, I expect something bad happen actually. I am tired, really really tired. But there is no way I can live like other gals with similar age. I have to be just like what ppl think about me: strong, aggressive or smart maybe.

 

Life, what a joke to me, meanless besides my family. I cant let them down, that's why i am still walking, numb walking. Pls, all i want is pay them back by my own, pls let me finish...